someday, maybe again
by Sana-hydeist
Summary: Prologue Levi pov What to do when the one you love,cherish and treasure the most abruptly says he doesn't want you, everything has been going perfectly but now he's telling you to leave him alone, doesn't allow you to touch him, or even come close to him ... What to do when he doesn't respond - in a way that differs from tearing his arms from yours and looking away. NO HATE!
1. chap 1 : yet another morning

This chapter may contain spoilers for those of you who have not read up till chap 49 of the manga ... Just sayin :p

levi pov

I wake up smothered by "his" arms wrapped around me- God ! He always manages to cuddle me in my sleep ... No matter how hot it may be - , "his" limbs tangled with mine and his feathery-light hair on my forehead ... I reach out my hands to grab his arm and end up grabbing nothing ... Oh yeah I forgot his right arm was no longer attached to his shoulder ... Silly me...

let's just hope he hasn't noticed ... I wouldn't want him to feel deminished by the loss of his arm ... Not like I give a shit about that kind of thing : he has proven more than enough times how that doesn't hinder him in any way ...

No longer caring about how hot it is ... I lauch into his chest. No matter how much I complain about the heat, if I really didn't want us to cuddle,I'd after all push him away -well I wouldn't need to, cos, knowing him, he'd understand if I even as much as wanted space ...

Anyway, I plunge into his chest, engulfing myself in his warmth...I don't even need to see him to make sure he's by my side, I just feel him ... Smell him. And it feels so incredibly good to just rest my forehead against his tender,soft ...chest ? Wait ... His skin sure feels like velvet but if there's one word that encompasses his chest it would be "hard" ...

I open my eyes in a frenzy ... Look for him and only see my hands clamping on the soft white sheets ... My eyes water up, my stomach sinks and my throat tightens as I take it all in ... What I thought was his warmth was nothing but the sheets burning up from the morning sunrays... What I thought was his hair was in fact my pillow ... What I mistook for his chest was ... "His" pillow ...

Fuck ! So it wasn't just me being paranoid, he really had left ... Took everything and just left ... My hands instantly release the sheets, and I leave the bedroom ... Even when I promised myself I would sleep on the couch I still ended up sleeping here ! Fuck ! This bed ... This ROOM is just too much ! I can't help imagining him beside me every fuckin morning !

I really need to brace myself ... Do something , ANYTHING , about this ... And maybe he'll come back ... No ! Not come back ... But at least explain ... Yea explain. I had thought we would stick together ... No he made me believe that and then just went and tossed me aside ...

Fuck ! Fuck you Erwin !

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... End of chap 1 ...

So this is s really short chap but i ll try the next ones a little bit longer ... I wrote this with my ipod so if there are any mistakes please do tell me ^^

Also ... There may never be regular updates so ...uhm ... Be patient with me ^^ Ah! Forgot to say this: these caracters don't belong to me ... Nor does shingeki no kyojin. It's Hajime Isayame's and if u haven't read it ( yes i m talkin about the manga ) go read it asap !

Oh! And tell me what you think ^^ 


	2. 2 Erwin

levi pov

I m not even in the mood to make myself a decent breakfast so I just drink some milk - cold ... Maybe that will help loosen up my nerves- and just head off to the kitchen .

Erwin has always been the one to make breakfast - and lunch ... Well, Lunch And dinner -He is the caring type after all : always making sure I ate well- i always wonder how he manages to cook with only one arm... His LEFT arm... But it's Erwin we're talking about so ... He'd let me use the bathroom first, insist on kissing, not caring about morning breath( that's more the cheesy type ... Well he IS cheesy ) , ignoring my endless complains about how disgusting it was. He wasn't very organized but he always made sure to clean up his messes, not wanting to trigger one of my cleaning-rampages .

When we watched TV he would always sit on my right side drape his arm around me, shielding me from the cold or take my feet onto his lap and massage them all night long. He would take the remote, not even asking what I wanted to watch and just choose something he and I both knew I'd like - I really don't know if he wanted me to watch something I liked or if we just liked the same stuff -

I know how we started either... One moment we were checking each other out - Completely oblivious to how people around us were staring - then he came on to me, flirting in that ridiculously awfully cheesy way of his ... And of course I didn't say no ... Say no to those eyes, so earnest, to that demeanor of his ... (Sigh)

Took us a long time to get used to each other though... No. took ME some time to get used to having HIM around...Relationships aren't exactly my forte. I like having my space. And I used to think no one should be allowed in... "USED to" that is.

He was the one who fucking initiated this whole thing! I just let him in, not that it recquired much effort, but as I said, I was no good around people,I am STILL no good around people, that didn't change much... It's just that ... Having him around didn't feel that bad ...

That big oaf would smile at me in such a way that even I - as permanently-scowling as I am - would smile back at him... And then he'd smile even wider, making my insides twinge.

Erwin even had that habit of looking at me and just drifting off. It pissed me off ! I was usually talking to him expecting an answer when that happened, but he looked so smitten then, that it made the naturally rude part of it endearing. I swear that even happened more often these last few days... Shit! I used to seek reassurances of his love in his eyes at those times...And then he goes and breaks up ... Fuck! I wasn't prepared for that!

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END .

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THANKS FOR READING ^^

Sorry such a short chapter again, no explanations... I m really sorry. But seing Erwin the way Levi sees him in this fic is essential, so... 


	3. 3 take it or leave it

Sorry guys! There are just sooo many fics to read and i couldn't seem to find the time to write :o

levi pov

I can't keep my eyes from chasing him. I hate myself for still caring... But whenever my eyes catch a flash of blond hair, a glimpse of blue... My head snaps in its direction and my heart clenches. It clenches even more when, sometimes I catch him looking my way.

No. I must be imagining it. Erwin couldn't possibly look my way, with this sort of intense glance, this ...longing... Not now. Not like this... But the more I look at him from afar, the more I notice him looking my way. Looking, staring... His stare is like an itch begging me to scratch it. And each time I find myself fighting the need to look, to check... To know whether or not he's looking. A constant stare probing me, searching my soul. Maybe he wants to be sure I'm okay. Still, I need to look.

And whenever I give in, the bastard doesn't even flinch. He holds my gaze and just keeps looking straight in my eyes. He doesn't say anything, doesn't ... Just stares at me.

And I'm always the one who looks away with a grunt.

When we cross paths though- which happens quite frequently since we live in the same area- he acts like the total gentleman he's always been. Casual chit-chats, casual looks, casual exchanges of nothings. He looks into my eyes in the way a neighbour does. Not like in the way "He" does, From afar that is... I swear that man must be bipolar ! Judging by the way he treats me. Of course being a gentleman is second nature to him. So our break-up wouldn't make him act all rude around me. But sometimes... I don't know what happens but he reverts back to being "my Erwin": Acting all sweet and caring, even giving me loving glances, chuckling while looking at me tenderly and letting out that throaty laugh of his... Then sometimes, he acts all indefferent-it's like he takes it upon himself to make me feel rebucked and unwanted. And then, some other times- and those hurt the most- he starts putting distance between us: both physically- he doesn't even let our arms brush- and emotionnally. He looks at me with empty eyes, doesn't respond, or just nods when I get angry and all frustrated. Cos Fuck if there's anything I hate, it would be people acting all high and mighty - which would get them a knee in the crotch- or them ignoring me- I don't talk often anyway. So when I do,I demand some attention and a fucking REACTION!

Today, Erwin is acting like his 3rd self. Which has me mumbling curses at him as I wait for the "ping" signalling the elevator reaching our floor. Yes we live on the same floor.

I already said "hi" earlier, and only got a small nod from him. I'm not trying any further though. Not today nor ever. I still want him. Fuck I WANT him! He doesn't. End of story... He told me very clearly. Of course him not explaining and us still living on the same floor wouldn't normally be called a clean break, but heck if I care.

"Ping"

Thank fuck!

I get out of the elevator as soon as I can and head towards my loft. What stops me though is hearing Erwin's grunt of pain... Fuck ! If he couldn't carry his groceries why not just fucking ask for help? Huh! Of course! Erwin's Prriiiiide woudln't let him -rolls eye. I'm the ex-boyfriend remember? Wouldn't want to add clingy to that.

I press the hold button, get inside the elevator and take half the bags. I wouldn't mind taking all of them but knowing Erwin, he would. I head towards his loft, lean on the wall and wait for him to put his bags on the floor, get his keys from his pocket, open the door and take the bags inside, I know my way in there, so I just go in after him and walk my way to the kitchen, put them on the table and turn back. On my way outside, I catch Erwin looking at me. No. Through me. Still Erwin 3 huh ? Whatever.

As I walk pass him I can't help saying:

-"Could have at least said thank you, Bastard!"

I immediatemy get yanked back, my back slams against the wall and my lips get tackled by... His? What ? The fucker's kissing me! As much as I would want to melt into his kiss, I grab his hair and pull him away from me. He has no fucking right to treat me this way!

-" What the fuck?"

I say as I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand. He seems to snap out of whatever had him forcing his kiss on me as his eyes turn into icy waters again.

-"Sorry, that won't happen again."

-"I don't care if it's gona happen again ! Fuck! I want it to happen again ! But that's not the issue here !"

-"Levi, I'm sorry. I promise I won't do it again. I didn't even mean to..."

He's now looking away from me... Ok something's going on... Erwin never and I mean NEVER looks away from anything. He's not planning on explaining anything either...

The silence drags on...

-"Look, you know me. I won't beg you to take me back or some ridiculous shit. So this is how things are gonna be ... It's either you take it or leave it ! Take us back or leave for good ! Don't linger around. Giving me those looks one day, ignoring me the following one, and acting like I'm a pest later on. I'm not your toy, and I won't be waiting for you to make up your mind forever. Just go away or stay for good ! I'm sick of your indecisiveness ! Make up your fucking mind already !"

-"Levi ... "

-"Don't! ... Just ... You have 3 days ... If you don't come up with your answer by then ... I won't care anymore."

.

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End of chapter 3.

Hope you guys liked it ^^ 


	4. 4 reasons

Levi pov

I don't know why I said what I said. Erwin already made it cristal clear that he didn't want me, And I'm pretty sure that has in no way changed. What I know, is that I don't want him to keep giving me half-assed excuses, half-assed stares, and half-assed break-up lines. I just need a clean break. I'm not saying I'm thinking of moving away or anything, if -when- he says no. That's for pussies. But I need to know for sure that whatever he chooses there will be no going back... whatever regrets there may be, we'll be undeniably over... Or not.

So on the 1st day, I do everything humanly possible to avoid him. I know he's going to say we're through, and hearing it in a day or three wouldn't and will not make any difference. Like I've said his decision has long since been made, and nothing in this world could make Erwin waver. But this time I'll be DEMANDING an explanation. If I want to ever be able to move on, and if he so much as cares about me still, he will answer me. I need these 3 days. More than he does, be it to come up with an explanation, or to bring himself to say it. I need them to anchor myself for anything he might say. It will certainely not be easy on me to finally know why I'm no good after all. What suddenly made him realize how no good I am. But I will. Whatever he may think of that. End of story.

2nd day.

I'm aware of myself getting more and more anxious by the minute. Sometimes I even catch myself thinking that maybe, just maybe, he's taking his time making his decision, because he is regretting breaking up in the first place, and thinking of ways to explain himself and ask for us to be us again. But then, I would come back to my senses, and realize that the only reason he still hasn't given me his answer is because I've actively been avoiding him. And that even if he indeed was thinking it through, he would be thinking of ways to say no without hurting me. And if, just if, he wanted us to get back together, he'd have to deal with me shoving his excuses and explanations up his ass; As much as I love Erwin, and want him by my side, I don't think I could ever trust him again, no longer in that way. I mean he just up and decided to break-up...

3rd day.

Ok, so now anyone can tell just how fidgety I am. it's not as much anxiety about the outcome of this whole thing- I already know how it's gonna end. Although a part of me that I've been reducing to just background noise now, still hopes for an impossible upturn - as itching to be done with it once and for all, to get it over with and move on. So now I'm in the hallway, facing my apartement, sitting in front of Erwin's, in an I-like-to-think-a-nonchalent-way but that really is not, judging by how many times my hands have clenched and unclenched since I got here - that is only for me to know though. And when Erwin gets there, I already know by the look in his eyes what he's gonna say. C'mon who am I kidding? Seing rejection in his eyes stings... No matter how much I say I can't go back to him... I still want to.

I get up and out of his way as he opens the door and motions for me to follow him inside. We both head for the living room. I don't sit and he doesn't tell me to. I know this is gonna be quick. I know the man inside-out and I believe he does me too, no need to drag things out with uselessly long introductions and reminescence of our relationship and shit. He says:

-"So."

-"So ?"

-"How long have you been waiting?"

-"Erwin, you and I both know you don't give a fuck how long I've waited."

I hiss at him, not at all liking the way he chose to start.

-"Levi, You know I do care, despite everything. I hope you know that."

Huh, don't get him wrong. I know well-enough that the part I'm to focus on, is in no way the " I still give a shit" one- of course he does. Breaking up wouldn't make Erwin a cold man I already said that- but rather the " despite everything" part. This might not be the right time to think this, but one of the things I liked- like- the most about this man was how he expressed himelf in a way that would, on one hand ensure he got his message accross, and on the other one, lessen the damage said message could produce. No need to say I like that less, now that I'm on the recieving end. Ok I'm getting out of track here ...

Looking Erwin in the eyes, I can tell he knows I got the message.

-"I know that. Although I'd highly appreciate you showing that by keeping your hands off me. And eyes...and if possible, mouth too."

He chuckles. It's not funny, I know. I never intended it to be. And Erwin can spot a warning when he hears one.

-"And..."

-"Levi." He interrupts.

He's trying to get away from the "why" talk, but I'm not letting him.

-"No, Erwin. I might not need to say this, cos I trust you to know, but I'm saying it anyway. I'm not trying to fix anything at this point. you know how I work, you don't like it, your buziness not mine. I'm not trying to hold you back or some shit. But, I WANT my explanation, and I'm getting it."

Erwin winces, I know it's not gonna be pretty, it never is when he's stressing over how to say it. But I know he's neither gonna try to talk me out of it, nor lie to me. So I don't care how long I have to wait for my answer. I have all the time for this.

He's not gonna say anything about my pride- he made sure I knew he loved that- or my language - same- my attitude -no- my cleanness, that would be a low blow but I don't think that's the problem...

Erwin looks up, and I instantly spot the contours of guilt shadowing his sea pupils.

-"I promised someone else"

-"What ?"

Ok, he may have taken his time to come up with a lie. But PLEASE, at least make it believable. Erwin does NOT cheat! But Erwin isn't stupid. and Erwin doesn't lie...

-"There's this woman that I met long ago ..."

-"Wait... How Long ago ? You mean long ago? Like before you met me?"

Fuck! He's not lying, I can see it in his stance; shoulders slouching down, hands fisted at his sides. All his body screams tense, and his eyes still hold the same guilt, if not darker now. I don't need to see him nod to know my assumptions are right. But having it confirmed makes it worse.

-"You mean to say you've cheated on HER with ME ? That you started this thinking you were gonna two-time her with me then just fucking toss me aside like a fucking toy ? And! Not telling me?"

-"Erwin don't you dare fucking stay silent !Fuck ! Answer me !"

-"Yes."

-"Yes what ?"

At this point, I don't even need to wonder how masochistic I am. I can already feel my chest getting crashed for the God-knows-how-many time.

\- "Yes, I did go out with you thinking I would have to break up with you for her."

I can't say anything. I don't even want to say anything. I just let it sink in. To think that everything I know of this man is a lie. He had me fooled, ridiculed, humiliated... and... I can't care less. I just felt in love with a made-up lie.

-"Levi ..."

-"Shut up I don't even wanna hear your voice right now."

-"Levi ... I'm sorry"

-"Fuck off ... Save it for your..."

I don't find it in me to finish, I see him try to say something but I turn on my heels and head for the door, I'm getting out of here. And never setting foot here again...

But, I'm already Punching him, grabbing a fistful of his shirt before I even realize I went back inside.

-"Why did you even bother ?"

He looks at me all confused, I don't even bother explaining. shove him against the wall and take off for good.

End of chap 4.

Erwin pov coming next. Don't hate him please

hum l'm sorry guys; I wrote this chapter and was almost done with it, i was even very satisfied with what i wrote, but my pc shot down ( well i pulled the alimentation thingy while wriggling in my bed ) and i had to write everything again, and it felt like i was chasing after something written by someone else, and couldn't convey what i felt the first time ( words really flew out of me without me having to think about each and every one of them :o )

so i apologize about this being poorly-written and sometimes awfully exagerated and annoying 


	5. 5 truth

Erwin pov

I never ever wanted or thought I would have to tell Levi. I thought I could somehow skip that part of the conversation. But, having Levi so adamant on getting his answer, seing him insecure and wondering what part of him could have made me pull back just made it impossible for me to hold it.

Yes, I would want nothing more than to have Levi look at me in the same way forever, to keep him chained to me, us, to avoid crushing "his Erwin". But I cannot bare seing him questioning himself. No! So I told him. Not everything, but he got the big picture... Rather he got a certain big picture.

And now even catching me looking, longing for him, craving his touch or even kissing him again wouldn't get him insecure, anxious or doubtful. He'd still ... Hate me...

God! What have I done?

I should have told him the complete truth. Not just that small fragment, That hinted at something so close yet so far from the truth. God! He thinks I used him to cheat!

I never would cheat.

And even if I had been dating someone else, I'd have called it off before starting anything with Levi.

But that's what Levi wanted... A clean break. Something to tear him away from me for good. Something that would give him peace of mind no matter how inconsistent I could be. I couldn't take that away from him then. I would do that now with hardly any second thoughs, If I had the chance to have that conversation again.

Being apart, and able to still sneak glances his way was something I could cope with. Not enough. But I could live with just that. Just those instances where Levi looked so smitten with me, where Levi loved me even though I walked away... I was a jerk to him, but he still looked at me with the same tenderness in his silver eyes. I hardly said anything to him, just hoped he'd understand whenever I needed, craved to hear him talk, and when - and why -I just had to ignore his attempts at simple conversation...

I could live with just that, and had the stupidity to think I could live with less. Less that at the time I never thought would envolve a hateful, vengeful Levi. I didn't know what to say. How to explain this... So I just blurted out whatever seemed the closest. God! How stupid can I get? Making Levi hate me just to give him closure... But he needs it. And I am not going back with Levi. Not till I finish this.

Not ever it seems... Seing how he now hates me.

It's been 4 hours since Levi stormed out of my house. I'm on my couch, the couch closest to the wall Levi shoved me against. I've been thinking of just going after him and explaining the whole situation. Just so I could erase those images of Levi's eyes burning with fury and hate... Images of Levi walking away. But again, I can't.

My cheek is swollen. It stings. But I don't even care enough to do something about it. I just want Levi back. Thank God my feet are too heavy to take me there. I can't do this to him now. I need to leave him alone and just focus on my problem:

There's a woman I've loved like I've never loved anyone. Levi was a really close call. But I was so focused on my memories of her I never really gave him a chance. Don't get me wrong I love Levi. I need him. I long for him. I thought I could live with him and just get over her that way. But I've been looking for her for so long that I couldn't bare to stop. Even for Levi. I wanted to. I swear. But, she would just pop out in my head anytime. And I would drift off thinking about her again.

The more time I spent with Levi, the more guilt I felt at abandoning her. At cowardly forgetting about her - She mayb not even remember me. I don't know. But I can't help it... That's why I broke it off. It wasn't fair to neither of them. Especially Levi. I was too overwhelmed with the memories to think rationly. To love Levi properly. Still am.

I too need a clean break. With who I don't know. But now that mine and Levi's was kinda forced into happening I don't really have any say in the matter. Yes. It was my fault for breaking up. But I wanted Levi to wait for me. To love me still.

Even catching myself thinking that disgusts me. God I'm so ... Greedy.

But I love Him...

I need to solve this quick.

The bottom line is the part I remember is nearly not enough for me to do that.

Let me elaborate:

5 years ago, I was in an accident. A terrorist attack to be exact. That's where I lost my right arm, this part Levi knows. I had been unconscious most of it. So my psychiatrist gave me the OK to go soon after. And I was allowed to go on with my life with just a slight inconvenience. No. No PTSD, Since I didn't remember the attack. That was my problem. It seemed that at some point my head had been hit too. Thus making me loose some of my memories; I didn't even remember how I lost my arm. The doctors said that the cut had been the farthest from clean. They said that judging by the state of my tendons and nerves, my arm had been pulled relentlessly until it finally tore off. They said losing my memory was the best thing that could have happenned, saying that remembering the barbaric scene would have left huge scars on my... Psyche.

At first I could only recall things that happenned at least 1 year prior to the accident. But, then I started remembering. Some of the memories floaded my brain completely and I had no problem describing places I had been to and people I got to know in that year. Those things I remembered to the smallest details. It was like I never ever even lost them.

Some others though were harder to regain. They kept appearing in the form of hazy flash backs, that had me panting and glistening with sweat. My heart would be racing and I would have unbearable nausea, breathing trouble for a while before I could finally settle down. After the first 2 years they stopped coming at me though. I still have no clue what some of those flashes were about and I'm still trying to figure them out.

Of course the fact that I had to get used to living with only one arm, had to go through all those physical-therapy sessions, and of course all the phases of depression, self-hate and inferiority complex never made it easy... It was never supposed to be easy.

There were people to help me though. Some not exactly in the way that I wanted them to; My parents flew here as soon as they were told about my injury; I had moved out of the family home around 3 years prior the accident. As soon as they got there though, I remembered why I left, and exactly why I didn't work hard to keep our ties. Soon I was stuck between my father calling me an idiot and an ignorant for getting envolved in all of that, saying I should have foreseen it, and avoided it, and my mother saying nothing to counter his accusations and begging me to go back home so she could smother me with her motherly-care. She didn't say that of course, she just said I'd be better off home, that I would be safe and sound besides her, and never again risk anything happening to me. I couldn't find it in me to say anything back to them, but my doctor saw how much their presence hindered my recovery and sent them away.

I hadn't been alone for long though. And one day, one of those I had been having flashes of, came into my room. Mike. Childhood friend and current best friend -appearently- Had been looking for me since my sudden disappearance, that's what he thought. He contacted the cops. Who after some investigation, told him I had been injured and sent to the hospital. He came as soon as he could. I recognized him easily instantly. Confided in him, and immediately acted like his long-time friend as soon as he walked in the room.

Talking to Mike let me know many things waaay before I remembered them. It has also given me the certainty that my flashes were not something I imagined, something my mind created to escape the horror of what happenned, like my psychiatrist hadwarned me when I told him- but things I forgot.

Then I started having flashes of her. A sweet sweet little cutie I liked holding like nothing. From all the flashes of me conforting her and whispering sweet nothings in her ear, I coud make out how much anxious she could get. I still have no idea what she looks like. But I believe I'll recognize her the moment I see her. That's what happenned with Mike. With Hanji too... I never saw their faces in my flashes. But I recognized them instantly as soon as I saw them.

I don't know what exactly made us part ways. As she wasn't there after the accident. She left no calls. Not a sign that could help me find her. I asked Mike but he said I mentioned people I went out with, just vaguely with no details so he didn't remember. I didn't really understand how that could have happenned as I'm not one to hide my loved one. Perhaps I only came to love her after she left... Classic. I was so confused by then though, that I even asked my mother about her. Even knowing I could have never told her anything personal. For one, we weren't that close. Two, I'd be too wary of my father seing my partner's company as non-fitting of a family such as ours and trying to get between us.

Of course they knew nothing.

I kept looking for her. Looking for vague things such as her impending charisma, the warm feeling that washed over me whenever the flashes came, the mere feeling of her touch... Her in my arms, her head tucked under my chin... No. Believe me that hardly helped... I couldn't find a woman taller than me if I wanted...

I never found her. Never remembered even who she was or where I came to know her.

And then I met Levi.

He was so ... Levi I could not resist. No matter how much I wanted to find her. I kept chasing after Levi. And then I had him. And for the 2nd time I forgot about her. I was so happy. I felt so complete with Levi that I forgot what kept me focused the 3 years between the accident and Levi.

2 wonderful years later. Guilt was eating me again. Levi would catch me agonizing over the whole story and I'd pretend I was merely dozing off. Sometimes I would wanna tell him. Chicken out of it. And end up sending him a silent warning, he had never seen any of it... And to be honest I was a fool to think he would.

Aside from the guilt of forgetting her which was growing duller the longer I stayed with Levi - she too forgot about me so I deemed it ok for me to do so. Or maybe I was just fooling myself... -,There was the guilt I felt at something else... A promise... An oath. Something big, a promise I shouldn't have forgotten and that I should keep by all means. I had no idea what I had promised. But I promised... I wore myself out trying to ignore it and just revel in Levi... But, at some point, it all grew unbearable.

And I had to let him go.

End of chapter 5.

Sorry sooooorry for the long wait. But hey it's a long chapter ^^

Hope u liked it. And thaaaanx for all of those who are reading it ! I can't believe it reached 500 views :3

Thank youuuu 3

Comments and votes are most appreciated though ;) 


	6. 6 bolo-tie

more angst ~ less than usual but angst nonetheless sorry but this is an angsty fic...

levi pov

How many times have I gone wrong again ?

If you asked me yesterday what I thought I'd be feeling by now, I'd tell you serenity. Serenity at finally knowing and putting it all behind.

Of course, now that I know, I Wish I hadn't asked...

Then I thought hitting Erwin would make me calmer, but now I feel like I need to pin someone and just go all out on them. Hit them, kick them, till I'd no longer be able to feel my muscles... And they would no longer be able to feel their own bones, till you couldn't even recognize them...

I don't even wish for that person to be Erwin.

I no longer want to see him.

I just wanna vent my anger on something.

Someone...

I don't do this often, actually I never do this, but I need a drink. No. Drinks.

This bar is my haven. MY place, my refuge. Everyone here knows me. So they make sure not to look my way, talk to me, not even bump into me when I appear to be in a bad mood. So now that it's obvious I shouldn't be approached by anyone no matter what, I can drink however much I want, nobody cares, nobody questions me, nobody asks unwanted questions. I just revel in the wonderful mix that is good music and alcohol relaxing my nerves...

The usual dark-haired giant comes my way, takes the empty glass and swipes the counter with a damp tissue - he knows I like it to be as clean and as shiny as possible. I don't look at him so he clears his throat and asks me- still as seemingly scared as the first time I came here.

"- A..Anything else? "

I look up. It's not enough so I have to tilt my head back to finally see his face. Fuck his height!

-"Do you need to be a fucking titan to work here?"

He flinches. And no matter how unreasonably irritated I am, I add making sure to get the bile out of my voice:

-"Another beer would be good."

He nods and walks away. I sit there waiting for my beer and my eyes roam around...

Fuck! Shit! No fucking way!

I turn around completely when my eyes catch the sight of a blond head. Fuck! Why am I even looking? My hands clench, and I my mind races as I try to com e up with ways to pretend I didn' notice him walking around. I calm down though when I recognize who I just saw. I feel silly. Of course fucking Reiner is here. He works here for fuck's sake! Oh! He's coming here...

He sees me. Nods and circumvents the U-shaped counter to get to his boyfriend. I see him silently getting close and finally wrapping his arms around the other man's waist, who lets out a yelp and manages to catch the glass he was filling -which I suppose is mine- before it crashes against the small table Behind the bar. Reiner snickers and starts kissing the nape of his boyfriend's neck, Bertholt titls his head denuding more of his pale skin and Reiner kisses a trail going from the base of his neck to just behind his ears. Bertholt moans and I see Reiner flicking his tongue before his boyfriend turns around to completely suck the muscle down his throat. I stop looking as their kiss turns more and more heated... Judging by the sounds they're making.

And I find myself spacing out... Remembering all those times I sat on his lap here. Teasing him by circling my hips as much as I could without people noticing... Appreciating his state of arousal by the size of the bulge I felt against my bottom. Squirming around until his breathing became so heaved people would start casting curious looks our way.

I'm startled out of my haze by my beer being placed right in front of me. I look up to see Reiner staring at me worriedly above Bert's shoulder. He doesn't look away, asking me -silently- if I want to talk about it. I shake my head. And Bert - who has been waiting for me to talk too- shoos his boyfriend away and they go back to their not so private affections. This would feel awkward if I didn't know them from before they got together. I swear seing them making cutesy eyes at each other feels even more like intruding on their privacy than seing them shoving their tongues down each other's throats. It didn't take long before they did, and everyone here just got used to it. Well, they weren't the only ones that didn't think anything of showing affection in public so it wasn't that big of a deal. Of course there was them, Erwin - although I complained all the time about it, I have to admit I never stopped teasing him in public, without people noticing though- Mike and his wife who wouldn't have minded taking their clothes off here and getting it on, audience or not. But they calmed down. And a couple kids we didn't know but kept making fun of... Horse- face and freckles were by far the shiest... They would make out and then blush fiercing red whenever they caught someone looking... Like they didn't fucking know... It looked cute though.

Thinking of all that made me all nostalgic and I spaced out thinking about Erwin and I here again. I turned around and looked at our usual booth. We'd be sitting there cuddled up together, sharing our food and drinks because the goof he was never could decide what to get, and I'd be reluctant to eat food that hasn't been prepared right in front of my very eyes anyway. Of course he'd make a big deal of it by feeding me or forcing me to eat. Which would get us - no me, he didn't really care- eternally teased by Mike and Hanji who would be complaining all evening about being the only single one in our group. I can still see the scene unfold in front of me right now... And no matter how much wrath has feel boiling inside me since I've last seen him, I can't help smiling at how carefree we used to look.

I freeze though when I actually hear us, no them talking. Mike's voice rings in the now calm bar. I focus on the group before me and my eyes zoom in on the tall blond man sitting morosely in his usual place looking just as dazed as I suppose I did a few seconds ago...

Fuck!

I violently turn around. I swallow my drink in one gulp and scream at Bertholt.

-" hey there, giant! Quit sucking tongue and come get me another drink"

He nods and comes my way only to be stopped by his smirking lover and pulled down into another fervent kiss...

I look down to see my hands trembling. My beer gets here, and I order a scotch for the next round. All through the night, I focus on my drinks. I'm not fucking going to run away just because he's here. I'll only get out when I get my fill.

I can feel his stare on my back and looking at Bert's apprehesive but still caring look I'm finally too disgusted - and far too conscious of him to bare with it for even another second.

I tell the couple to put it all on my tab and rush out the door...

Or at least I thought I did. But I end up with my head buzzing after violently bumping into a jaw... Aaargh. I look up for the milionth time this night to stare into big teel green curious eyes,my ears ringing from the crash.

Ugh... My head hurts... No wonder With all the booze I had last night...

I push off my pillow and my hand immediately rushes to my night-table. I always have head-ache medecine and a glass of water prepared for when I wake up with a hangover... Erwin made sure of that.

My thoughts stop at the name though. And my sudden good mood -despite having a major headache- just morphs into my currently permanent depressive state of mind.

My eyes roam around as I pull myself up and I realize this really isn't my house... I never would fucking leave laundry on the floor. And you never would see this amount of dust on my headboard, night-table or even sniff it in the air... Ugh... I walk out the filthy room to find myself in an equally filthy and un-tidy living room. As I look around, I see a head of brown hair on the couch... Guess a man brought me here last night.I was drunk so I can't say I remember what happened. I sniff myself and don't catch the smell of puke ... At least I didn't throw my guts up. My clothes smell of sleep though and I can't wait to take them off.

I write down a simple "thanks" on a paper I found lying around and go home.

You might think that's cruel but the fucker should be grateful I didn't kick him awake and force him to clean up first thing in the morning.

All those thoughts about cleaning and the tension from last night get me even more frustrated and as soon as I get home I throw my clothes in the hamper . I don't bother changing into clean ones and just wear the first thing I find. A white button up that I don't bother buttoning... Then I start on cleaning my immaculate home. It may be useless but it calms me down. And right now I just wanna give my mind a fucking rest!

My eyes fall on a green -no blue- familiar gem-like something hanging from the window knob and I get closer slowly. My heart races as I recognize the emerald bolo-tie. Of course the bastard would leave his bolo-tie here! I can't fucking take a rest without a some kind of reminder.

I space out swearing and cussing at the man to only snap back to the room when I feel my fingers pressed on my lips then unconsciously on the green cristal.

End of chapter 6.

took some time and this chapter is almost a filler but other characters needed to be introduced so ... Hope u enjoyed it.^^ 


	7. 7 Eren

levi pov

Brown hair, turquoise eyes, childish behaviour, unshakable will... Eren.

The brat has fucking great skills in stalking!

I just have to see him every-fucking-where I go! Mall, work - yes he just started as a part-timer, bar -yes he's of drinking age, and when I don't go to either of those, I fucking meet him on the streets! I'm sick of him wagging his tail and going all Levi-san here, Levi-san there. He just came back from Japan and he picked up their speech manners.

Damn him for not getting their subtility too.

Check out his friend Mikasa! She's perfect! Tidy, doesn't talk much, almost invisible but can show awesome charisma when needed. I remember her fucking trying to tear me to pieces at first. Understandable though considering what I did to her... Childhood friend, half-lover or whatever he is to her, the idiot doesn't seem to notice how infatuated she is with him. And judging by her exasperated air whenever somebody seems to realize her feelings- which happens pretty often- it seems this has gone on for years now.

I vented my anger on the wrong person yet again. I don't know why the brat got so attached to me instead of hating me for it. But I really fucked him up that night. What's worse is that if there's anything I'm regretting right now, it's completely forgetting about it later on. I need that memory to keep myself from fucking doing that again.

I didn't see my handwork when I woke up in his appartement since I really didn't look at him, I just wanted to go home at the time... But I couldn't miss it when he came on to me at work. At first I was really alarmed at how many bruises our new part-timer had, I didn't ask what happened, since I wouldn't have liked being asked if I had been in his position. I just made sure I eavesdropped when the others asked. He said he got beaten up and then fell in love. Strange kid. That's what I thought, snorting and heading out the room. That's when I felt a murderous stare directed at my back, and heard stomping my way. I turned around to find Mikasa drawing her punches and getting ready to hit me. He stopped her and looked at me with hopeful eyes.

I only then suspected he could have been the man in whose house I woke up in just the previous day. He said yes and beamed at me, showing all his teeth. Well all but one.

Seing Mikasa's provocative stance, and his enthralled looks, I asked what the fuck happenned and he said:

"I bumped into you when going into 'the wall', I said sorry, you ignored me, and pushed me aside looking completely furious but even more so hurt. I asked what was wrong. You said to fuck off. I re-asked. You suddenly grabbed the hem of my shirt, kicked my feet off the ground and went at me like I was you worst enemy. You even busted one of my teeth. You then started going off about how I lied, and made you go all strange with my blue eyes and blond hair..."

I stopped him at that and ushered him to skip that part. No need to tell me what I already knew.

"After trashing about all of that, you fell on the ground beside me. And started saying how angry you were and how sorry I should be. And how you still couldn't hate me... And you wanted to go home. Your home with me... I knew you were talking to someone else through me, but I couldn't help falling for that you."

I then learned that Mikasa only found out the next morning. Which was why she was pissed at me, and pouting at Eren. I went back to his appartement, and in apology- that the bastard couldn't understand- made him help me clean his appartment. It took us longer than I thought it would. But we managed to get rid of all that fucking filth the brat lives in and never seemed to notice.

And I am now stuck with an always-ranting brat, his invisible friend 1, and even more invisible friend 2. Oh! I didn't mention him. The kid's so introverted and shy even I pity him. Which makes me try to rile him up, and get him used to people and life. He seems even more scared of me now though.

Anyways, we're going to 'the wall' today. Let's hope we don't meet the other bastard.

They drink for a bit... Eren makes friends with Bert, Reiner, fights with Jean... Makes a scene out of himself, and as usual is completely oblivious to Mikasa's side-glanes. But I'm glad I came with them. This is such a nice distraction from my usual depressing thoughts.

I turn around to check out who's in the bar, no, to make sure a certain someone isn't here, only to find Hanji in my face. I grunt and push her back.

-"that's meaaaaaan!" She whines.

-"Well I don't wanna get your fucking spit in my face."

-"I've been calling you for a while. I was worried but you seem better than we thought you'd be. We're all worried about you. He is too you know."

I feel myself growing livid and look around again in an obsessive attempt to make sure he's not here to see my reaction. I clear my throat and say.

-" He gave me the fucking 'I still give a fuck' line."

-"Yes. But I'm sure he used other words to convey that." She snorts.

I don't answer and she ends up asking the almost too obvious question:

-"How are you?"

-"I don't wanna talk about it."

-"Are you gonna go back to being the secluded scaredy-cat who wouldn't talk to anyone?" She says in a provoking manner. I hear myself 'tssk'ing and look up to glare at her only to see a worried look plastered on her face." You can't just shun everybody."

-"I'm not fucking..."

-" Don't deny it when it's this obvious. You won't answer my calls, texts and e-mails. Even Mike tried to reach you, but you just went and ignored him too. You're our friend too. You know we wouldn't pick sides. We don't want you to be on your own now."

-" I..."

I mentally stutter on what to say:

-"I'm not alone."

I end up saying, I catch a glint of hurt in her eyes before she covers it.

I don't want her to get me wrong.

-"He... Needs you more right now."

I toss at her, then rise and walk towards the door. She catches my hand and looks surprised. I try to smile at her and explain, talking around the clenching of my throat the best I can.

-"2 years. I couldn't stop caring that fast. As much as I'd want to."

I walk away.

I can hear Eren's footsteps behind me, but I speed up so I can reach my house before he catches up with me.

I stand in front of the elevator waiting for it to reach the main floor. Fuck, I hate waiting. Should have taken the stairs. But it's stupid to take them now when the elevator's just 1 floor away.

With the slight 'ping' comes a gentle jumpy "Hey"

Oh come on!

-"Fuck off."

I sneer as I walk in the elevator. Eren comes in right after me. And the cabin takes off.

-"Is that him? Blond, blue eyes, besides you got all tense when you saw him."

Can he be anymore annoying?

-"Shut the fuck up! Don't ask me about him. Don't mention him. Don't even let me know when you see him."

-"But I know him from..."

-" I don't give a flying fuck what your relatioship with him is."

We already made it to the floor. I'm honestly too tired and too riled up to fucking stand the kid any longer.

I walk in my appartement, then ignoring his silent plea to be let inside, I shut the door. I go to wash my face when the annoying ringing of the home-line brings me back to the living room, and answer the call:

-" Hey there Levi". The sweet sweet voice I missed hearing calls out to me and I feel a sudden need to confide in someone overwhelm my senses.

-"Levi. You there?"

I clear my throat.

-"Yeah. What's up?"

She's been away for 3 years now. She's only ever heard of Erwin. She doesn't know we practically lived together. Doesn't how much of his mess I'd put up with... How close I came to moving out of this house, into his...

-"I called to say I'm coming home."

I didn't lie to Hanji earlier when I said I wasn't alone. I still had her. I'd always have her.

He wouldn't have anyone if I took away his friends.

Like I wouldn't have anyone if someone took her from me.

End of chapter 7.

Who is she? Could it be? Le gasp :p 


	8. 8 her

So as promised here's the chapter right on time ^^. It's a long one though so brace yourselves.

Erwin pov

I've never in my life wavered so much. I've never so much as re-considered a decision of mine, let alone think for years about it, to come out with no answer.

Hanji told me she was gonna corner him today. He's kinda been pushing her and Mike away. They don't like it. Neither do I, but in the end, it's all about what Levi decides. I wouldn't want him to be on his own. It's enough that I bailed on him. I wanted to watch from the side-lines while she talked to him, but she told me to stay home and wait for her call. She said Levi wouldn't be comfortable talking with me around. I keep feeling pangs of guilt assault my chest at that but I can no longer do anything about it. I completely deserve it. Even more so since I don't completely regret my decision.

I question it but I still don't regret it.

I'm pacing in my living room. I'm anxious for several reasons:

1\. I know I'm getting closer to finding her. A silouhette becomes clearer and clearer. It's like when you're walking in thick fog and you get closer and closer to someone's back. It's not perfectly discernable, but it keeps getting clearer the closer you get to them. A petite woman, frail waist, narrow hips, with hip-long hair, I don't really know why but I can't see colours in this fog, so I can't really say what colour her hair is... I also still can't see the face, but I feel like I'll be able to see it any day now. I know I'll be able to see it any day now.

Is she getting closer? Geographically speaking I mean. Is she coming back? Where did she go? Will she recognize me fist? Or will I be able to tell her from the crowd? I don't know... Will I have to explain why I didn't look for her? Has she been waiting for me to find her first? Was that what I promised? Am I willing to find out? Yes Of course! Is it worth everything I did for it? I don't know... For one thing, there's Levi. And I still can't convince myself that what I did to him wasn't 100% wrong. Was it worth it to have him hate me this way? I don't know. Am I gonna stop?

No...

I can't.

2\. Is this guilt ever gonna ease? Am I ever gonna feel better about causing Levi pain? I doubt it. How can I live with this? I couldn't ignore the guilt of a forgotten promise and ended up breaking up with him for the sake of just that promise, will I ever be able to live with Levi unhappy on my conscience? No. It's stupid, but that's part of why I want him to be friends with Hanji and Mike again. He doesn't have to be alone. No, he has to never be alone! which brings me to problem number 3:

3\. Is talking to hanji gonna be enough to convince him to stop pulling away from them? After all, I was the one to introduce them. He might think I'm behind that. He doesn't trust me right now, and thinking that I'm close to them might be why he's pulling back. And if they go back to being friends again, will I have to erase myself from his life? Or will we be able to re-start a frienship-based relationship? Can I be only friends with Levi? Will he even be willing to let me in again? Will he ask me to pull away from my friends too? Or will they be caught in the middle of our break-up? If that's the case, will that be enough to make him happy? I know it's hard for him to be sociable and that friends are scarce in his life, he can't afford to lose them, that I know, but is having them enough to make him happy?

I get a message from Hanji saying :" assault on the wall !"

I don't know why she likes using that to mean that there's something wrong, and that we should meet at the usuall place. She's such a child sometimes I wonder how she can work in a research lab. Well, let's not forget she has her serious moments too. Few but existent nonethless.

I change clothes and head out. Coming. out of the elevator, I find myself facing a scwoling Levi. I can't help the "hey" that escapes my lips even though I know I'm about to get told off.

-"Fuck off". There it comes. I knew it was coming. Like I knew he would hit me when I told him. Did it make it hurt less? no. Does it make it hurt less now? No.

Levi walks past me without so much as a glance my way, not even a glare, or a look of disdain... Nothing. My eyes follow him until he gets in the elevator, and only then do I notice he's not alone.I hear the young man following him inside the elevator mutter I a faint" Is that him? ..." before the doors close and I feel my chest clenching at the thought that Levi felt the need to confide in someone. That he, of all people, could trust a total stranger, tell him what's on his mind, and to later on let him into his home...

Along those thoughts, there's this feeling that tells me I've seen the man somewhere before. You should all know where that thought leads me. I know I'll be talking to him someday soon. My feeling and the way he looked at me, tell me he's gonna be of some help in finding her. Maybe I felt like I was closer to her, because I'd soon find him?

I soon reach our usual caf . The bells churn as I push the glass door and step inside the warm cosy place. I spot Hanji and walk her way. I feel Bert and Reiner looking me up and down accusingly. They've always been quite attached to Levi. My chest soars with pride at how my... How Levi, unconsciously, and with zero to no efforts on his part has - although he's denying it- gained people's sympathy. He believes they're all acting out of fear, but I see respect and care. They'd stick out for him any time, and seeing the way the lovers are glaring at me right now, I'd say they're looking out for any possible faux-pas on my part.

Haha Levi will go livid when I tell him. He'll..

Hanji helps me out of the guilt-induced vicious circle I've been getting caught in each time I've thought about Levi.

-"You're here! Took you some time..."

-"Yea sorry, I've encountered some..." I trailed off looking for ways to get my point accross, "Problems that had me immersed in my thoughts on the way here"

-"Oh! So now's Levi's a problem? Or were you referring to the young man accompanying him?"

She saw him too?

-" Actually, Levi's numerous ways of making me vanish from his life"

I say, and I know she heard the bite of guilt in there.

-" Erwin... You know he's going through rough times..."

-" You mean I pushed the rough times right into his face... It's just I've seen him deliver these to others, just not with this... Indifference. And never have I been on the recieving side"

-" Wait it out."

-" And then what?"

-"Then he'll be less... Spiteful"

-"He's not doing this out of spite."

-"Not completely"

-"Look I can't expect anything from him as long as I'm still hesitating. I feel like a stupid two-timer!"

She snickers and then goes all serious.

-"Then hurry up. Because unlike what everyone thinks, Levi is one of the most caring and protective men I know to those he holds dear and till now, you still belong to that cathegory. You know Levi can very patient with these people, but It just so happens that these circumstances won't let him show such patience with you."

She's right. I know she is. About Levi going all momma-bear on those he loves. Does the connotation still apply to me? I'm not so sure...

-"How do you know that?"

-"My information. My sources."

I know for a fact that when Hanji refuses to name her sources, it means that those are her most reliable ones. And if I still somehow hold part of Levi's affections, then all's different.

-"So what's wrong?"

-"I talked to Levi about how he's been pulling away from us, he denied at first and then said he wasn't on his own. I don't know if he meant it as a nice way to say fuck off, or if it's real. Besides, he's been hanging out with the 3 new kids more and more lately."

-" I honestly have no idea. I told you we weren't talking, and since I've come to know him, Levi has never been so open with new people. It intrigues me and I can't help my confusion at his new... Acquitances. And by the way, I was thinking of talking to that kid with steel-grey eyes"

-"Eh? Why him? What made him catch your interest?"

-"God Hanji! No i'm not interested in him! If I could be with anyone right now, you know who I'd undoubtedly be with over and over again!"

-"Then why are you keeping yourself from doing just that?"

-"You know exactly why. I can't... Go back now."

-"Then why are you speaking with the kid? You jealous? Isn't that selfish of you to do that now?"

-"I... I'm not..." I stop denying when I realize it might be partly true... That aside from asking about her, I'm also curious of his relationship with Levi... I want ...

I chose the safe route and just go for a change of subject.

-"He seems familliar. I feel like he could be related to her in one way or another."

-"Then go talk it out."

She encourages but I can see the look of disapproval in her eyes.

I'm waiting in a restaurant right now. It's almost time for Eren to come. I've learned his name when I asked around about him. Reiner right out ignored me while Bert gave me the 'you're gonna fuck him now?' Look. They just nodded when I asked them to relay a message to him. I just gave them the message written on a piece of paper I found on the counter:

" meet me at 'wings of freedom' at 5." Erwin Smith.

I'm not sure they did, given how protective of Levi they are. I will just have to try again if this fails. Just as I'm thinking of ways to approach him in the coming days without letting Levi's protectors intervene, I see the young man pushing the door, making the closest waiter turn around at the sounds of the bells dingling. Said waiter welcomes him in and leads him to our table when Eren gives him my name. I greet him and he nods before pulling the chair and taking the seat in front of me.

-" Hey."

-"Hey." he answers. " So what's up?"

This is awkward! I have no idea how to start off this conversation!

I stay silent for a while before I chose to small-talk him into answering my curiosity as casually as possible

-" So I've seen you hanging out with Levi."

-" Yeah, he beat me up and now I'm kissing ass."

I let a laughter seep through my teeth in answer to his joke. Strange, why is he with him all the time if Levi's beaten him before? And why is Levi letting him come so close to him when he's reached the beating stage?

-"Excuse me but I don't see how Levi would purposely beat you up and you'd still be willing to stay close to him?"

-"Oh! He didn't purposely beat me up. He was drunk and he kind of uneashed on me when I got too nosy. I liked, still do if not more, the way he acted and chose to stick to him against his will. Now all I can say is that he's barely standing me."

-"But Levi rarely drinks beyond the drop that makes him even the slightest tipsy. And even that is pretty scarce?"

I ask without thinking because, really, Levi rarely drinks, let alone get drunk to the point of beating random people.

-" I believe something happened between you two that night. But you should know better. He was mumbling about a blue-eyed, asshole... He kinda beat me up and then... No never mind."

I saw something flick in his eyes, and chose not to insist on knowing what he was going to say. I'm not sure I can stand hearing what I think I saw in there...

-"I presume this is not why you wanted to meet?"

He asked when the silence dragged on and the original awkwardness came back.

-" No actually..."

I still don't know how to bring it up, but he cuts me off saying:

-"I seem oddly familiar right?"

He catches me off guard, and I can feel the rush of adrenaline through my blood.

-"Yes, you do."

-"You know why?"

I'm just glad someone took charge of the conversation for once. I'm so confused I doubt I could lead our it like I'm used to. I really don't like talking without some kind of info backing me up...

-" Actually, that's why I wanted to talk to you... You seemed familiar and I, for reasons that I'm currently not willing to expose, wanted to know exactly what kind of relationship we've had and inquire about some of our common aquitances, if we had any."

-" Well... Yes we knew each other. But I'm sorry to say I'm not in the position to reveal where and when we met and interacted, as I believe you should re-discover that on your own. It's okay, I understand why you wouldn't tell me and I don't mind. We weren't that close anyway, actually we weren't close at all. But let's just say, a lost of us were willing to put our lives on the line for you. Some of us actually did, and I still would if need be.

-" A lot of you?"

-" You may not have not noticed, but I'm not the only one you've forgotten. But you seem to have forged new bonds with them and I honestly find you guys' current relationship saner... Better this way... "

-"Saner? What do you mean?"

-" I can't really say."

-" I have the feeling I'm better off not knowing."

-" In a way yes. After all what we lived was horrendous. The memories would hunt you, the fright would come bite you each time you'd feel weak and not leave you for days after that. But not knowing will make you miss out on so much on the other hand; no matter the circumstances, none of us were never alone. Not one moment were you facing the difficulties on your own. You wished to change things but, never for them to change on their own. You wanted to be the one to bring the change..."

-" So me not remembering means I didn't or I did?"

-" Again I can't really say."

He smiles tiredly at me. And I look at the time to see that it was already 7, and our coffees had gone cold long ago. He followed my gaze and then rose up saying it was time for him to go. I couldn't let him pay for a drink he had not even touched, being the one to invite him, so I just pulled a few notes leaving a nice tip for a waiter that knew when to make himself unnoticeable.

My brain kept going through the conversation all the way back to my house, but I still could come out with nothing. Appearently, me, Eren, and some other people I know, and that probably have at some point come in contact with the young man were fighting against something together. I guess it went for a good while since we seem to have had a good relationship. And then, I presume I was one of the stronger ones since Eren said I wanted to make a change and they were willing to lay down their lives for me... And then I'm the only one to have suffered a severe injury. But then why has no one tried to come to me about it? Why has no one looked familiar like Eren had? Does this mean I was closest to him or that I'm getting closer to remembering? But then, no one seems to. Did they forget too? Is this part of a bigger scheme? Were we all subjected to some sort of hypnosis that made us all lose our memories regarding that period of our lives? Or is this just me over-reading it and just an unfortunate consequence of the accident? After all they could just be good at acting. But then again, was it really an accident? Or was I targetted and attacked to stop me from reaching my goals? Are the others protecting me? Is Eren protecting me by not telling me? Am I protecting Levi by staying away from him? Is it really ok for me to remember? Do I want to remember?

YES!

It's no longer about her. I just want to remember who I was, who I had by my side, and what really happened.

The lift dings and I'm surprised to find myself already in our building. I'm heading out the elevator when I realize I'm at Levi's floor.

Why am I still coming here? I don't even have the courage to knock...But I just like hearing the sounds of him moving around inside, cleaning - If he's stressed out- watching TV, and if it's something I know he would never watch then I'm sure he's passed out on the couch. I sound like a stalker this way, and look like one I know, But I have to have some of his news...

I snap out when I hear a door opening. It's coming from the left, Levi's side of the floor! And I can't help the sweat that races down my back at the thought that he might have known of my nightly ritual. But then I hear female squeeling and Levi's voice. I look up to see a short woman- yes even shorter than Levi- talking heatedly to him. He smiles at her and my heart sinks. God! it's been so long since I've seen one of his smiles... I finally can get my head out of the images of Levi's smiles, smirks, and blushes that have assaulted my mind to find him breaking out of a hug she pulled him in - probably, because I can't see Levi intentionally hugging people- bringing one of her suitcases into his home. She turns around once he disappears inside, to bring in the smaller one. Her short strawberry hair flows in waves around her face. Her hazel eyes fall on me, and widen in surprise before she nods and turns around probably thinking of me as a neighbour.

Petra...

...Petra Ral.

" I swear I'll find you! No matter what!"

I guess that was the promise.

End of chapter 8.

So? what do you think? I hope you liked it

I'm sorry for the cliff-hanger, but you gotta do what you gotta do...

I'll try to write next chapter as soon as possible, but I need to rest. This chapter's so lon 


	9. 9 change of perspective

I've been hesitating forever between publishing this chap as just one long chap or 2. One would take too long, and be a pain in the ass to read, while 2 would just be way too far from how i first pictured it.

So after numerous days, weeks and months of thinking I decided to have it as just one chapter.

Ok there's also the part where i'm lazy, actually the laziest person u might encounter and that i just came accross a whole lot of good fanfictions here on wattpad and on and ofc archive of our own... u might wanna check them out cos they rock! but that's beside the point... I'm also watching one piece and gintama, having morning shifts then courses till 7pm AND NIGHT SHIFTS !

And Then I got sick...

And then I needed to study for up-coming exams... Still do actually :3

Erwin pov

I don't know why seing Petra Ral made me remember the promise and her, but it did. Well, at least I know one more person was involved in this mess. I don't know why seing Petra Rall triggered my memory while talking with Eren did nothing but further confuse me. She must have been of extreme importance in her life, must have interfered with ours at some point if the sheer sight of her made me remember our promise. I still don't remember her though, the promise just popped in my head but that's about it. I'm kinda relieved though. Seing as what I promised was to find her, not to be romantically involved with her, to marry her like I feared. Which has me thinking that maybe I made this whole thing up. Not her and the promise, NO! But the relationship part... I know I remember holding her in my arms and all, but she could as well have been family. Finding her would mean something conpletely different then. And I would have wrecked a perfectly functioning and probably, no definitely the best relationship I've ever had for that... God I miss Levi. I wish it could be that. Just someone, I promised to find, like a long-lost friend or something, and not in a romantic way. I could just explain everything to Levi once I remember everything and I'm sure once and for all this is it. Would he believe me? Or would he think I'm just toying with his feelings? Would he even give me the time of day and listen to what I have to say to him? God I have no idea how he's gonna react... I just want this to be IT. I want this whole thing solved and done with. I want Levi back. I want Levi. Simple. I know she's most probably a past lover, that, I know pretty well. Doesn't matter how much I berate myself into thinking that we weren't romantically involved, no matter how much I try to convince myself that she's but a ghost of the past, it's all my indecisiveness and hesitation coming back to bite me in the ass. It's pretty obvious from the way those small flashbacks made me feel, that she meant something - and quite a lot- to me. it's just that I find myself caring less and less about that... But what if I went back to Levi - provided he accepted to have me back- and she comes up in our life, and I have doubts again. I can't do that to him twice! That's why the most logical thing to do, would be to wait till I have all of my memory back, or till she shows up, and all of this is cleared up...

So I was thinking that maybe, I should ask Petra if she knew anything about the woman I'm looking I can't help caring less and less... Again... I remembered the promise and it's like a balm has been applied and all the need to scratch the itch's gone... Am I really gonna spend my life looking for a ghost? Looking to the point that I can't even be with Levi? Isn't this supposed to stop someday? I've been actively looking for what now? 5 years? Maybe if I stop looking, I will just stumble upon her like I did with Mike, Hanji, now Eren and Petra... Maybe she'll just pop in my life someday, I'll find her, and be like : "Hey, you're here! I've been loking for you! So now that I've found you, I'm gonna go back to my perfect life with my perfect husband... Oh right here's my husband... Levi..." my husband I wish that could happen soon... Me getting back with Levi, and him being my husband... forever... I can't seem to think about anything else these past days, actually since I remembered the promise... No even before that. I've never stopped thinking about Levi and wanting him as mine again.

Aside the obvious me wanting to clear this up once and for all before starting anything with Levi. Something else is stopping me. Something big.

I'm a man with no past, a man with no recollection of whatever he's done for decades of his life... I can't say for sure what I've done or if it'd put Levi in danger. Actually I'm pretty sure it will. Would I risk Levi's life just for my own sense of contentment? Surely not!

The answer's plainly obvious. I have to remember everything first. What happened that made people put their lives on the line for me. Who I was to deserve that, and how it all came to that. Most importantly whether it's over, or has stopped because of me losing my memory. I need to remember. And the sense of urgency that comes with that desire, no need, is oddly familiar. Which makes me think that maybe, what I've been so focused on remembering all along, could have been my past... And not just her, the void I've been trying to fill, the one those lost years of my life left and not just a lost promise, or her. I could have been confusing both. That would explain why I'm now striving to find out all there is to know about me, while I can't say I'm even as much as eager to find her. It's now just something that I want to put behind me. A promise that I'd rather fulfill than not. But all sense of urgency regarding that just vanished when I remembered said promise...

I finish dressing and just head out for work... I've never found work this tiring and boring. Well true, I have always had Levi helping me out with a few calls, and messages... Even if it was just to complain about me leaving the bedroom messy, messing up his clothes/pants in the elevator, or how his hips could barely hold his weight, it never failed to bring a smile to my face. I have to admit I was whipped... Still am. To be able to enjoy his scolding as much as his twisted-compliments and sarcastic answers, his giant blushes that would inexorably turn into something nasty he'd say to cover up his embarrasment...How he'd say anything -mean or not- to get the romance to stop... He thinks I'm the romantic one while he, with his shyness, attention to details, and desire to please and appease me in any way he could think of is the one riling me up most of the time... Is the one making my insides warm at those sweet gestures of his, leaving me with no choice but to love him more each time. And I just would just be unable to stop spoiling him and teasing him relentlessly in return... Just remembering the shade of red that would always overtake his cheeks whenever things turned romantic makes my stomach squeeze in need to hug him all to me. Hug him so tight he'll have trouble moving away. Envelop him in one of those hugs he pretends to hate. Where I just pick him off the ground and crash him to my chest while he holds onto my shoulders screaming at me not to drop him. And cussing at how tall I am and how I'm not allowed to do that to him... Hum, but that's beside the point... So ... Work yeah! It has never ever been this boring... But I've never been less concentrated either. Yes Levi distracted me from time to time, I used to smile at his antics, let that warmth spread through me for a bit, and then put all feelings aside, and get back to work like nothing happened. But, now... You can already guess from how long it took me to get this point accross, I can't stop thinking about Levi, this memory loss of mine, that woman that I promised to find- I spend veeeery small time thinking about that though-, what happened before, and what could in that forgotten past be even potentially hazardous to Levi's life. Yes, that's almost the only reason keeping me from crawling back to him. I don't know how anybody could manage to convince Levi of such a thing as taking them back after they've tossed him aside with the lame excuse that they cheated on someone with him, let alone how I could manage that while still being hesitant and ignorant of most of my past... What if he asks me for the real stuff behind all of this: "OH: actually Levi... You know I don't remember anything prior to my accident, but actually I didn't tell you everything, and Mike, Hanji and the guys weren't the only ones I remembered. Actually the one I remember the most vividly was this woman that I kept looking for. But then I met you and fell in love with you, and you made me forget all about that... Well not really, because I kept having flashbacks of her and me, and there was this lingering promise that I hated to break. And felt like I had to fulfill. The guilt got heavier and I decided that I couldn't be with you while thinking of her... And that by doing that, I was betraying you both, by giving you not all of me. And her, just the bits of my thinking that I could afford to steal from you. But now, I rememberd that promise... And I didn't promise her to be with her or marry her I just promised her to find her. And I'm so happy because this means I didn't cheat on her or you.. And yes I'm a total idiot for thinking that because I promised her to find her and nothing else, it means that there was nothing between us. But I could always find her then tell her I moved past our relationship. I know it's stupid to think that even with this doubt that everything could crumble to pieces again I want you to take me back... Oh and I forgot to tell you that people were putting their lives on the line for me. And that I now think that that terrorism attack was something I wasn't just unfortunately envolved in, but an act that was planned against me. So yes, please indulge this selfishness, naivety and nonsense of mine and come back to me."

Yeah right.

By the the time I was home, I was well convinced that I had to choose between Levi and that woman that I didn't know. It might seem stupid, and naive, or even dumb, but it seemed to me that choosing now would be easier; as I'd be able to choose without guilt or the weight of a forgotten promise. I had to choose based on what? And for the first time in my life, I needed to choose according to what I wanted, to what I saw myself being satisfied, and god! happy choosing... It could be unconsciously pushing myself towards choosing Levi, but that in itself was already a major hint at what I'd eventually - and subconsciously already- choose. It's pretty obvious thinking that way that I would have to make amends, and ask for forgiveness in due time, but I need to set myself free from the Walls I've been living within. I need to live freely without having any kind of ill-feeling weighting on my conscience and soiling my existence with uneeded guilt.

My decision was clear.

And instantaneous.

I needed to stop looking.

The past would come to me in due time, but I am no longer waiting for it, expecting it, and ruining my life, my future betting on it. I'm no longer wavering ...

and Levi is the only way.

There is still a long way to go till we -if we- regain our past relationship, or even just a good one regardless of what we had, but I still want that.

GOD I want that.

My brain keeps going over all of that time and time again, and when I lie down I keep thinking of that till sleep takes over...

I don't know when thoughts of Levi cease, and when the walls of my room morph into an oddly familiar street... But I soon find myself pushing a grincing door, waving at people here and there, and going straight for the bar. Mike smiles at me, bends over the old wood and whispers in my ear:" Upstairs, don't stay too long though." While looking at a corner of the grand salle where I can easily recognize my father's lackeys. I nod the most unconspicious nod I could pull off, and sit down, ask for my usual drink and sip on it for a good 20 minutes. When I'm sure I drank enough to justify my coming here I gesture to the restroom and spring from my seat. As soon as I'm sure I can no longer be seen, I race up the stairs and push open the one door that seperates us. I encase the small body in my arms, and roughly kiss those soft lips that have been haunting me for days, I run my hands all over the small figure, and can feel the same being done to me... My mouth wanders off ravenously all over that pale neck.. Soft moans tickle my need and I find myself pulling away to look into the silver eyes I've come to love:

-"I missed you so much..."

As soon as the words are out of my mouth, I dip in and reclaim the swollen lips.

We were so engrossed in each other, we missed the footsteps getting closer and closer. We even missed the door opening... God it's been so long! We only break apart when we hear the strident shout of that man, Kenny:

-"Back off! You spoiled piece of rotten nobility"

Turning around I can see the same faces I glimpsed downstairs... So my father is envolved... I tightened my arms around her small waist and feel her squeeze my wrists in return... She doesn't need to worry... I wouldn't let them touch her! Nothing would break us apart!

Not again...

I try to convey just that by looking intently into her silver orbs...

Lost in her silver pupils, everything besides her withers away for a moment, and when I take my eyes off hers, we're alone again. But I can't not notice the different place we are in: Rocky walls, empty dark room, candles as the only source of light... As soon as that thought sinks in, I go back to kissing her. But this kiss isn't tender,isn't just passionate, isn't a kiss of lust and long contained course, those are like back-music to everything we do, But the kiss I'm giving her is one only a man desperate, stuck, helpless, choiceless and trying with all his might not to let go no matter what could give... Soon though, the hands that were pulling me in clench and push me off the small frame of my lover... Staring in confusion at the magnificent raven-head standing in my arms, I say trying to regain the lost warmth:

\- "Come here!"

-" Erwin, you know I can't... I need to... You know we should..."

-" Never meet again? No!"

-"No? Can't you see how easily we could be caught? We've already raised suspicions! They would hang us!...Your father would torture you! ... He'd..."

I could hear distinctly the tremor in the desperate plea, but I could not give in...

-"Why? What did we do wrong?"

-"Fuck Erwin! I'm a man! We're both men! We cannot fool them!"

-" So now, you suddenly want to find yourself a wife and be happy with a dozen kids?"

-"Fuck no! Let's just... Not see each other for a while... And then everything will be back to normal!"

-" Normal? In what world would this life be normal? We can't even lock eyes in public for fear they would find out! Let alone hold hands! We have to make sure nobody's around for me to hug you! Be behind closed doors and in complete darkness for me to kiss you! And sometimes we'd have to turn off the damn candles to make sure nobody thinks you're home! We make love once a century, and even while climaxing we need to look out for eavesdroppers! How... How is that fucking normal?"

I couldn't help my outburt and even though he had nothing to do with it, I found myself once again taking my frustrations out on him... He just looked torn and mumbled a feeble:

-"Fuck... I'm sorry!"

-" No no no no no! Nothing's your fault! It's just... This... World we live in is so damn... Sick! Twisted! Unfair! revolting! Crual and pathetic! and I love you! I love you so much! You have no idea...

His lips fall on mine, forcefully sealing my mouth. Trying to make me forget where and how we live...

But I know full well that no matter how much we deny it, this world is cruel and the power's in their hands...

And I can not change it...

Left arm around the thin waist, leaning on the small frame, both of us supporting each other's weights. Me helping him relieve his hurt leg, and him helping my body cope with the still scortching loss. He'd been complaining about my blood soiling his clothes all this time. It's weird because I just saved his life, he should be more focused on expressing some gratitude than some blood on his clothes. His complaining is harmless though, I feel like he's just talking just to make me forget about the throbbing pain in my right shoulder. Even for just a while.

-"You fucker! You idiot! Moron! Dumbass! How the fuck could you..."

-"Drop it..."

-" Drop what? That you just gave up your right arm, to save me from your fucking fellow soldiers? That now, everybody's gonna turn against you? And for what? A man? A jew? You just met?"

-" It's not like I agree with anything they were doing. I was there because my family's -and that certainly does not include my progenitor- life was at stake... And then I couldn't stop myself from jumping in when I realized what they were trying to do to you..."

I really had no idea why my family's safety just lost all priority to me the instant I saw them encircling him. I have been fighting for them for years now. My father enrolled me, I had a whole different picture in my head when I joined at his order and when I realized the real deal was too far from my ideals, I tried to get myself out of it only to be blackmailed into staying... Great measures to keep the perfect race they said... I swallowed all my beliefs and just fought for the freedom and life of those I hold dear. Been doing so for years. I could not understand how I could have given all of that up for a stranger... But I just couldn't help myself... And the thing is.. I couldn't find it in me to regret it...

-"Yeah I know."

-"You know?..."

-"Yeah. You know, me and you have long history together..."

-"You just said it was my first time meeting you?"

-"Guess you'll be remembering soon. After all, you just took a hit for me. Fucking idiot!"

-" You know you're pretty inconsistent..."

-"Shut up you ingrate! I'm helping you escape those fucking nazis! Anyways, they'll soon be coming for you. You can be sure of that."

-" Yeah thanks.'

-" Don't get cheesy on me, old man..."

-" Haha, so what do I call you? I'm Er..."

-" Erwin yeah I know. Told you, you and me have long history... I would let you remember my name on your own if we had more time, but I can't really afford that... It's Levi."

Somber sadness takes over his features and I find myself unconsciously tightening my arm around him and leaning in to press a kiss to his cheek. I instantly pull away dumbfounded at what I just did...

He gives me one of his cheeky smiles:

-" I see you're getting there..."

I'm running no, not running, I can't say for sure but I'm going fast and above ground, I can't explain it but I keep propelling myself forward in the air with these ropes attached to this weird mechanism bound to my hips, I have no idea how it works, and for now, I'm trying not to think about it because whatever reflexes are getting me to fly will probably be forgotten and I'll be stumbling into the ground if I think too much about it. So I'm flying through this strangely familiar old village and whenever I manage to look up, I only see those smothering walls blocking the horizon, so tall they seem to embrace the sky ... The sight of them irrevocably fills me with an overwhelming sense of suffocating, loathing, helplessness. Then an invincible will to fight overtakes my senses and I find myself flying with more vigor and strength than ever. I'm running after someone. That was clear enough in my head. Dashing behind him, trying to at least get to grab his hand ... the thought that his hands are calloused, in opposition to the hands my levi has, comes from nowhere and I have the feeling that that assuption will prove itself right in just about a minute. I finally manage to take a hold of his shoulder and make him turn around. He looks around surprise coating his features.

-" Where are you going?"

-" Hum... Expedition remember?"

He smirks and then adds in his cocky voice :

-" Already forgetting stuff? You're growing old way too quickly. Looks like the white hairs I found last time have multiplied... You can be grateful you're blonde, or you'd be nicknamed after them..."

-"What? No! I don't have white hair! Wait that's besides the point! Of course I know. I meant you're ... We're... supposed to..."

-"Awww getting cheesy? Erwin you know this won't be the last time. It never is."

He says the last part with a serious tone and I feel my insides pulling at the mere thought of... No! Don't go there!

I ignore his words and just go on with my usual farewell ritual... Send-off ritual to be more accurate...

So it's from holding these blades... I think as I feel the metal handler scorching my palms...

I couldn't grasp what was happening Everything was but a blur. I just heard a giant monkey, speaking something that I could not understand, and suddenly we were surrounded by hundreds of them, a blond one, a woman, one that seemed to be wearing an armour, and one that towered over all of them... another was bigger than all of them together but couldn't seem to be able to carry his weight, he was slumped over and was crawling slowly to where the others were lined up. Another one carried blades similar to our own, his stance was copied by a few armed smaller ones... My mind was racing, trying to think of a way out of there, but they were too... Overwhelming...For me to even think. This isn't the first time I'm facing them, not even the first time I've been put in such a grotesquely mortal situation. But the closer they get, the more awfully conscious I become of the foolishness of this decision of mine, the more aware of the weightlessness of my right shoulder, the more convinced of the foolishness of my dream. And then, I don't know why, but suddenly everything seemed to seemed to be important, rather faded in comparison to those silver orbs... I should have listened...

A strident "ERWIIIIIIN" resonates in the dark forest. I turn around, surprise and fear crushing my insides, an indescribable amount of terror souring through my whole being, only to be replaced by invincible pride at the sight of brown and green blurred together, a mortal tornado only more fatal by the light the blades reflected in their circular motion.

His form's impenetrable.

The man I love, the man i...

Incommensurable pain cuts through that thought as my bones crack and blood spurts making my sight blur in an instant. From pain or blood loss I didn't know. As if that wasn't enough already, a completely different kind of hurt explodes through my consciousness as my back brutally collides with the ground... breaking under my weight and the speed of my fall combined. One instant the pain's overwhelming, brutal, maddening, and then it all sort of disappeared. And I was feeling nothingnot even the cold of the soil. Or the ground itself... But hey, all the better. At least I'd go quick...

My eyes were starting to roll back when a shadow hovering over me brings my focus back..

-"No no no! You can't Erwin no! Let's go! They're not dead! I just made sure they would be busy regenerating for a while, come on Erwin, hold on to me! Let's get you out of here!

-"Levi..."

-"Shut up you bastard! You're coming with me! I told you! But you fucking had to be... Fuck!"

He tried to get me to hold onto him. It's not that I don't want to. But it's like even my fingers don't belong to me... I try to pushing him away, to make him go, but even while focusing all my will on just that, my arms stay flaccid in his. Heavy, flaccid and unresponsive...

-"Levi..."

-"Move you bastard!"

-"I... Can't" I see him freeze for a seconds before and then horror takes over his features as he comprehends the situation... His face contorts into one of pure agony, and tears flood his torn features. I can clearly see his jaw muscles contracting as he tries to keep from breaking down in front of me, and his arms tighten around me as he begins sobbing and heaving uncontrollably with me in his arms. I have no doubt Levi knows I'm far too heavy, for him to carry me, his 3DMG would break. I'm... done for...

In a sense, we knew the end was coming, but we kept putting it at bay and just did what we wanted... I just wish we had more time, more...

\- "Erw..."

I don't know why I'm realizing this now, but hearing his broken tone reminds me of where we are and I start becoming frantic... Fuck! He needs to get out of here. With all the energy left in me I want to convey my feelings, my hopes, my affections for this man that's holding me and forgetting everything else in the world, in whatever words I could pull out of my mouth. I want my last words to be words of love and eternal passion for this man, to encompass my wishes for him to be the happiest possible. To be the sum up of my life, my dreams, my aspirations.

That's how it was supposed to end. But, I seem to have too little energy and too little time...

One word.

All I have is one word.

All we have is one word...

And I have to say this...

-"...G..Go."

Levi looks up from my chest even more broken and torn. Fuck! He isn't letting me go. He's gonna try to get us both out of here. That's what Levi, looking me in the eye, is trying to convey through his burning gaze, but all I want now is for him to look up. To turn around, to see the monsters lurking behind him and escape before they attack him!

I try to scream for him to go! I try with all my might! but all I manage to do is move my lips in a mute plea for him to pay attention. I watch in horror as Levi catches the movement of my lips and completely distracted leans in, in an attempt to understand what I was trying to say, completely forgetting what's around him...

The last thing I see is the monster swinging his arm in Levi's direction...

My eyes roll back, and I'm enveloped in darkness.

A wrenching feeling in my gut forces me to wake up in sweat and I can't keep the bile from exploding out of my stomach and onto the carpet...

Could it be ? But it makes no sense ...

No strangely it does. It was so real it could in no way have been just a dream.

End of chapter 9.

Hope you enjoyed it and find it in yourself to forgive me for the long wait.

I'm really not satisfied with the first part but decided to post it that way as I wanted more than anything to convey Erwin's hesitation, confusion and how difficult it was for him to choose Levi...

Explanations will be made in the nect chapter so if you have any questions please ask away, some things may seem obvious to me since I'm writing the story and I might forget a few key explanations... So hum... any feed-back will be highly appreciated ^^

thank you. :*  



	10. 10 hear me out

Erwin pov

I can't believe this... After all of this... All the pain I caused him, myself, us... After I hesitated for years and then finally decided to look for what I thought I lost, breaking up with Levi and telling him that I had someone else waiting for me...Why? Why did it it only come back to me now of all times? Why not just a few months earlier? I don't understand why I had to ruin my chances with Levi before I could remember and finally realize that the one I was looking for, seeing in my dreams and trying to remember all along has always been him. Were we doomed before we even tried? Is it our destiny to always lose each other one way or another? To face obstacles each and everytime we were to be together? Was it written somewhere that Levi and I absolutely had to go to hell and back in order for us to be together for a while before we were separated forever? Is this what it all means? That we never were meant to be in the first place? That we never would? Is this the world's way of showing us how concieted we are? How arrogant of us to try to defeat destiny time and time again? How we're never gonna measure up? Never gonna overcome whatever obstacles it chooses to plant our way? Is this to say that we should just give up and let things follow their natural flow? Does this mean that even though Levi is the one I've been looking for I'll have to give him up again?

Fuck!

I've had to see him being pulled from my side far too many times already to bare even the thought of giving him up! We've been torn apart in so many ways already it's unbelievable; I've had him kidnapped and married off by Kenny that time he came back as my female lover, we've been both assasinated by the slave-trader when we eloped. Then I had to see him being hung before my very eyes before I recieved my sentence because of our sole sexual orientation. We then were kept from each other because of our difference in statuses they said, and even with Mike doing his best to help us we ended up being found and I had to let him go after seing him being tortured for months... The bastards didn't lay a hand on me! They kept me chained while I had to watch him being drained of his blood day after day... Punishments have been bestowed on us when they found out a nazy soldier had been protecting and having a romantic relationship with a jew... That time too was awful... The more times we were re-born, the more horrific deaths we had, and the less happy moments I can now recall. The only such times I could still think of only belong in our first life... The one where I had him as my captain, and where we stole whatever moments we could to endulge in each other... Where we would sneak kisses and cuddles without a care in the world. Even when carrying the heavy load of humanity's survival, we made the time to love each other, to care for each other and to protect each other the best we could. At that time, that kind of life seemed pretty confining and draining, but it was one of our happiest. And then, no matter what we managed to be together. And destiny seemed pretty much on our side, Now that I think about it; Even if each time ended in a horrific way, how many chances did we get to be together? Yes each time we had no choice, but really wouldn't it be ungrateful to say that we were doomed from the beginning? We fought and it didn't work so far, but each time it didn't work, it seemed like we were given another chance, another shot at making it. And really if I think about it that way, this is by far the easiest life we've had. I don't know what caused me to lose my memories, but we've had 2 years of utter and absolute bliss, only halted by my desire to... find him? Wasn't that what it has been about all along? Us finding each other no matter what? Maybe I had to truly find Levi in this life to deserve being with him? Not just stumbling upon him and loving him, but truly fiding him? And remembering everything on my own? So was my memory loss our obstacle this time? Did I have to remember him to find him? No... That's not it. I found him by remembering but what triggered that? In my past lives, I only remembered after having done something for Levi. I had either had to betray my family to proect him, save her from slave-traders, choose to be with him in a very violent and unforgiving environment... Basically, each time I've kinda proven that I was worthy of him to get to remember him... What happenned this time that did that? All I remember is trying to find her, and then only being able to think of Levi... Wait. If my memory-loss is the obstacle, then maybe deciding to forget about her and choosing the current Levi counted as just that. Maybe I had to only want Levi, to only think of Levi, and to give myself wholy to him for it to show that I truly deserved him. Even if that meant I had to choose Levi over his own past self, I had to toss aside all thoughts of any other being in order to remember him... Only seing this Levi counted... To show that I was deserving of this Levi...

I can't help the laugh that bubbles up my chest at the thought that all this time it's been Levi...

I've never felt so fucking relieved, so happy, do optimistic!

This IS our era. Our time to be happy... The chance we've been waiting for for so long!

We're already halfway there. If finding Levi meant I had to choose Him, to think of only him, to 'find' him, then half the fight's behind us. All that's left now is for him to remember... No that's not important. Yes it would make getting back together easier, but it's not what counts. What counts is that I'm getting Levi back!

Memory or not!

Commander Erwin Smith is getting on the move.

I chuckle again at the thought. I can't wait for Levi to remember.

Till then, time to woo the captain. Chuckle.

Captain's very stubborn though... chuckle.

Extremely cute too.

End of chapter 9.

I just wanna hug them!  
this is the chapter it has all been leading to. Everything's pretty much been revealed the rest is fluff... or not :p

anyways, 3 more chapters and then time for the epilogue *0* 


End file.
